Just when bitcoin, crypto and NFT were finally being taken seriously with the impending addition of mAsS inevitably as we head towards blockchain-based utopia, someone goes and puts something like this on the internet:
Talk about a killjoy.
Yeah that’s an 18 minute 35 second presentation of “the world’s first physical crypto island” which is frankly giving us some pretty weird déjà vu vibes, but we can’t figure out what it reminds us of. Whatever it is, we are sure that everything went very well.
In case you don’t have 18 minutes and 35 seconds to spare, we thought we would explain some of them to you. First the essentials (transcribed from video):
Cryptoland is an international hub for the community to come to work, live, play, and enjoy a world-class crypto lifestyle.
An island paradise with a complete ecosystem that represents the burgeoning crypto space.
A paradise created by crypto enthusiasts for crypto enthusiasts.
If that doesn’t sound like heaven to you, are you alive?
Cryptoland, we are told, will have three main areas: Cryptoland Bay, House of DAO, and Blockchain Hills, which feature a members-only bar called the Vladimir Club:
The Vladimir Club was the part where we thought, “oh, maybe this is a joke,” but then we realized that it wasn’t. At the beginning of the clip we are shown a fairly well known strong jaw crypto Chad named Kyle Chassé (yes) telling us:
If they did not have the video, if they did not have the architectural plans, if they did not have the purchase contract already made for the island, if they did not have the master plan for the government of Fiji already signed off, if they had not spent half a million dollars of his own money to do all this already, then I wouldn’t have been interested.
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS!?! Architectural plans? A video? I think we can all agree that we should take this seriously right now. And yes, the island in question seems to be in Fiji, its name is Nananu-i-cake. The Next Web has more details if you want.
For example, did you know that Cryptoland will feature 60 parcels of land that you can “buy” through NFT and build mansions? Or that the total area of this vast island is 0.9375 square miles? Or the fact that it already has some inhabitants? Maybe it might interest you that the founders plan to fund everything (aside from their generous $ 500k injection) through the sale of digital receipts that they think they can pay for around $ 1ma pop?
(You can also read this excellent yarn by a software engineer named Molly White, who was the first to draw attention to this, and presents interesting information about the co-founders).
Go back to the video. An unspecified crypto brother responds to Chassé:
That is incredible. This is by far one of the most ambitious projects I have seen. And what I am easily the most excited for. I will do everything in my power to make sure I get one of these lots. I recommend that you go see this: look at the quality of this 3D animation.
They really are basing a lot of faith in a magical new land on animation quality, aren’t they? To be fair, it’s actually several orders of magnitude better than the animation that the $ 924 billion company formerly known as Facebook spent on its clegtopian vision of the future.
We don’t know how much the video cost, but it reminds us of a sort of something else where all the money was spent on the promo video and there was nothing left to actually promote and actually what is promoted never made it to its end. They exist, but again, we can’t remember what that thing was.
The best thing is, Brodom of Cryptoland has always been this wonderful concept in our collective minds, a place where everyone (well, maybe not everyone, but at least the Y chromosomes) drives on lambos and eat meat-only diets and makes crypto jokes. really fun and the women are basically really lovely accessories living lovely lives doing things like working the front desk and generally pleasing to the eye and now the Brodom of Cryptoland, unlike that other thing, really exists. Okay, maybe not yet, but it will be soon. Definitely.
One thing Cryptoland seems to care less about is the age of consent:
That particular tweet has since been deleted.
A part of us still does not believe that this is a serious project. Cryptoland’s native currency is Connie. Stock name, presumably $ CON. In the gallery of animated video games shown, one of the games is called “Ponzi Connect”. But if this is just a giant troll, isn’t it? . . to elaborate?
Perhaps it is a parody; maybe it’s a scam; Maybe it’s the future we all deserve Who cares? Nothing matters. Nothing is real. The entire economy is Cryptoland.